I DID ALL OF THESE MENTAL THINGS IN THE NAME OF "LOVE", WHY YOU MY FRIEND, NEED LOVE REHAB.
Meg here. I know it is "Hump day Hair Day" and we are only sort of deviating off topic. I really, really want you to get humped! (Gram log off now-wait, what am I saying? Gram had SIX KIDS, I think she has her "hump" down pat.)
I'm sure you have your hump down pat too! Some of you are so fit and do yoga and pilates and all that exercise! I bet some of you are the Cirque du Soleil of humps! Yet, it still isn't working. All that amazing acrobotics and no one worth experiencing your double, upside down plie squat with. I mean, what? You're doing this for your health? HA! Pour that second pinot babe because we've all been there.
I'm really lucky. I am. I have a super inflated self worth and I think I'm pretty great. Before you get all Mrs. Judge Face, you have to understand it's not ego. It is survival. It's a tough world out there and if you don't value yourself than no one else is going to. Value yourself.
Everyone is looking for a "free ride" and I make it quite clear. This ride ain't free. I think I am pretty top shelf and you know what happens when you think you're top shelf? You get top shelf treatment. You get respect and great guys and no I am not immune, every once in a while a house drink will get by but I can tell you this. It's happened maybe 3 times in 23 years of dating. So I sort of know what I'm talking about here. Plus, you should see my jewelry and handbags.
Have I ever lost my mind and become the crazy bitch worthy of one of those prison inmate shows? Yup. I own it. Behind every crazy woman is there a man that made her that way? Here! Here!
You are allowed to go insane when pushed and "have your moment." You're allowed to cry and freak out and have a meltdown. You're not allowed to keep it going. Get it together. One night I was home here in Hollywood and I swear to God, I'm just the neighbor. I heard this crying chick howl and cry and smash against my neighbor's door. It was just awful. She was screaming about him and what he had done. She was a mess. Not one you wanted to help. It had gone beyond. After 30 minutes, I had it. I went to my door and yelled "OMG. I'm nice and even I would break up with you! Get some respect. Go home! You're proving him right. I'm only the neighbor and I hate you right now!"
Don't be that girl.
Jo Piazza is one of my bestfriends. I love her. We have zero bullshit between us and while we will help each other, we don't lie to each other.
These are common phrases "Oh boy, how did that go over?" "I'm sure everyone was drunk and you're fine." "Fair. I mean, that's fair." "Oh no, not good, you sure you hit the send button on that? Oh shit." My favorites "You have your lawyer's cell number, right?" And "I mean, no. Technically, I don't think that's illegal."
So no judgement coming from this vaginal court. We've all danced the crazy samba.
The difference between Jo and I is that Jo is crazy successful. I really only look impressive on Google and only if you don't go past page 2. Jo has done more fantastic things in her young years then most people do in 5 lifetimes. She is strong. She is funny, she is beautiful and smart and so accomplished and she can unknowingly make you feel like a loser in five minutes. She is is no way trying to. It's just hard to measure yourself up against someone that is enormously great at everything. She's written books. She's on TV. She is a big deal. My penis just shrank and I don't even have one. As a woman with a healthy self esteem-I look up to Jo. I aspire to be more like her. I am a lot like her (we're both natural brunettes.) We also are use to making things happen for ourselves and getting our way and working hard and controlling our futures. We are the new men.
So what happens when you're not waiting for Prince Charming to ride in on a white horse to save you? I'll tell you. The power shifts.
Like a lot of us, you're capable and smart and you just need LOVE REHAB. Jo has again successfully done everything right. She found a great guy whose penis only rises at her greatness (you're welcome B.) B, is her man and he knows he's got a keeper. And I'm just glad Jo never "dumbed herself down." She found someone that could keep up with her. And if something were to ever change, if Jo were ever not happy. I know everything would be O.K. because ultimately, Jo is her own white horse.
You need to be your own white horse.
I get my nails done. I pay for hair extensions, I spend a poor countries GNP on my appearance. That's OK. I'm a girl. I like to. I also like to read the business journal and know what's going on in the world and make up my own mind. Pretty outside is only as pretty on the inside. People love "crazy" they're bored with "stupid."
That said, when I've lost my mind and been really upset and rationalized "Well, you only have a problem if you're having a cocktail before 10am if you've slept the night before." Yeah, I've made huge mistakes with a broken heart. Because I'm human.
We're all human and that's why Jo wrote "Love Rehab." Let my overchieving, brilliant friend talk you through it. Facebook stalking? Drunk texting? Numerous phone calls. Having your friend take your phone. You need this book. If you think I can't relate than you're wrong. I insisted she use my name and I'm a character in the book. There's no shame in my game sister, we're all in this together.
Best break up story gets a call from Jo and a signed LOVE REHAB!
From within bottles, jars, compacts and tubes.*