Meg hair! You want to know what stinks? When you're five years old in a sandbox and everyone else in the group picture has cute ponytails and you have tufts on your head and your grandfather refers to you as "his little Ed Asner."

Being bald due to cancer must be terrible. I mean, you have cancer, so there are bigger issues. I never had cancer. I was just bald because God has a very good sense of humor and that's life.

Now, I have long, luscious hair. Amazing. It only took 10 orphans in a poor Indian village to get it. So, win? Win?

I can lie and tell you if you use this product your hair will grow. It doesn't. I spend the GDP of a poor nation on my tresses. Because I am on TV and I HAVE TO. Those long full locks with a slight curl on the end? Yes, they're as natural as my full C+ boobies and plump upper lip.

Jessica comes to my house after I've spent $300 on new, auburn Indian hair. She has to remove all of the old stuff. It gets ratty. I've got my extensions out and now she is coloring the remaining pieces I have in. She has to, we have to make the new hair perfectly match. It's step one in a process that will take hours and almost $1,000 a month. I think I'm JLo.

Full hair is sexy, full hair equates youth and health and vitality. Full hair has always eluded me, until I took the hit to my wallet and decided "full hair" was worth it.

This is totally random but I remember when Kirstie Alley joined "CHEERS" and she was the hot bar manager that everyone thought was so sexy and wanted to bone. I remember thinking "She's not that cute. She just has FABULOUS hair." Give that chick a buzz cut and no one is giving her a second glance. That my friend, is the power of hair.

Every summer in high school I would look forward to returning in September. Your head sweats and your hair grows in the summer months. I wanted to be the sexy girl with the flowing tresses past my shoulder. It grew past my shoulder. Much like a dandelion. A dead weed would grow and my hair would thin out and be split. Nothing like those Pantene ads had promised.

I got hip to the game and being around entertainment schools you pretty quickly "nothing is real." Today, I drove to Reseda to BUY the most perfect auburn locks. The ones that Jessica will sew into my head.

Is it expensive? Hell yes! Is it worth it? Hell yes!

By the end of tonight I will have AMAZING auburn locks. The kind that take 10 years off my age. When I meet a guy (IN LA, he knows what they are and "gets it.") When I meet a guy in any other part of the country he assumes I've had a serious brain injury and the screws at my scalp keep my head from falling to pieces.

I've had boyfriends say "Take them out! I want to run my fingers through your hair." I dismiss this request, as it usually comes from the same boyfriend that says "I love you natural." All the while, the night he decided he was in love with me was the night I had spent an hour on my makeup and 20 minutes on my fake eyelashes.

So there it is. The before and after! WHAT DO YOU DO FALSE TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL REAL?