CREEPER MEN!! WE ALL KNOW THEM AND HERE'S SOME FUNNY ONES!
Meg here! I want you all to have a laugh. Seriously, this stuff you can't make up. So, since I'm single I've asked some friends to set me up. I'm not going to apologize for what I'm looking for. I'm not a looks person, I don't care about age. If you're going to set me up then the man has got to have, if not piles of money, at least a job and has to have a sense of humor.
This really happened.
John: I have a friend, well not really a friend but this guy I met and he wants to take you out.
Meg: Cool, I'll go.. What's he like?
John: He's kind of funny and he must be smart, he's older but he does really well and you might like him.
Enough said, sounds good. I show up to meet him at the restaurant he's chosen. It's in a tony section of Brentwood, a nice choice and so I do my hair and makeup and go.
There aren't any fireworks and he is older. I mean he says he's 60 years old but I think he may even be older then that. He brags to me about his wealth and so I take the bait. I totally bit. "What do you do for a living?"
He proceeds to tell me that his parents are very wealthy and HE GETS AN ALLOWANCE. I don't know about you but I stopped getting an allowance at age 10. Wait it gets better.
Date: Did John tell you about my past life?
Meg: Oh, Um, No. No, I'm pretty sure he didn't.
Date: Well, I used to play baseball for the Phillies. (At this point he takes a baseball card out of his wallet and hands it to me.)
I look at the card and in the upper right hand corner it says "Fantasy Camp"
Meg Well, it says "Fantasy Camp" so you didn't really PLAY for the Phillies. You paid to go to a camp and ypu got to play with them. (At this point Date gets mad and doesn't understand what I am saying.) Look, its like if I told you I was an astronaut and then you showed up and I handed you a picture of me at spacecamp. It's not the same thing. Right?
Date: Check please!
Men kill me. I mean they are so funny. I'm blonde this week, I have a boob job, I'm fairly attractive so I must be...An idiot?
I was at a bar in KY the other night and this older man told me that he OWNED Ticketmaster.
Meg: Really? Wow! All this time I thought AIC owned it and Barry Diller runs AIC so I guess I've been so dumb and you really are the big cheese!
He wasn't amused. I was though.
Its so strange but then again..Not really. A man in our society is judged by how tall he is when he stands on his wallet. A woman is judged by how good she looks.
I had a guy say to me "I hear you only date rich men." My response? "I hear you only date pretty girls."
It's not right, superficial breeds superficial but I didn't make the rules, I'm just observing them. I'm sure there's someone out there for me that doesn't have to have a gazillion bucks. I'm really just looking for funny with a job. I don't look the same way in the morning as I do when I've been prepping for a hot night out. I'm sure there's someone out there that's funny with a job and OK with that.
If I never find it then that's cool too. I'm not going to settle for fantasy camp when I believe I can make the majors.
What tips can you give me or did you have your own nightmare date that you want to share with us!! DO TELL!
- meg's blog
- Login or register to post comments
-
From within bottles, jars, compacts and tubes.*
Comments
OMG...Meg...this HAS to be the post of the year,LOLROF!!! You poor darling girl.To suffer such fools is not even remotely "fair" in the game we simply must play in order to find a suitable mate.I can't even comment on the lame-asshats you've been subjected to but KNOW that there ARE nice guys out there and that there's one waiting for you...promise!Love you so I'm gonna' spill the beans as one who's been "lucky in love" more than once:1) You most likely will NOT meet "man of dreams and not nightmares" in a bar or in any setting other than and event hosted by loving friend,as you volunteer for an artsy or sporty event,or simply put,where you are one of a handful of fabulous females present.Limit the competition and don't settle. :)2) Take up,even in theory,a new "hobby" that is successful-male oriented:Mike flies for fun and can I tell you that the airport is full of handsome "hangar rats" with almost NO females hanging out? Go to bookstore and spend time in appropriate aisles,ask questions of like-minded browsers...you'd be amazed,I got many cool dates this way when "single."Sports...art...finance...computers...you get the idea.Hang out at the Apple store: I've met 4 or 5 doctors just trying to figure out how to work "iDVD" at my local one,LOLROF! 3) You are funny and gorgeous: make it WORK for you...do a local amature night or local standup...hang out with "comedy-guys" and/or get yourself invited to events that are funny and for a good cause! Everyone loves a laugh and it's always been my "wit" that kept me in the circle once I got that toe in! Get some new buds...the more you know,the more the chances of meeting a cool guy increase!4) Cultivate "something xtra"...okay,we all know the Cosmo's Girl's guides to BJ's and whipped cream...I'm talking about some little something "special" that when you are chatting up fabulous men,they want to take you home and keep you there.I'm an incredible cook:I chat about cooking with men and they get misty-eyed and weak in the knees,LOL! Combine that with my DD's and I'm one "interesting" chick,HA! Don't talk about "take out",talk about making them red sauce with homemade fusilli and they'll be yours forever!Take cooking classes if you must...hang out at vineyards...OMG...I meet someone divine everytime I spend a day doing a "food/wine pairing!"Men are simple creatures...sorry...I've been around almost 55 years and have had more than my share,most successful and handsome...food...sex...fun...and then "presentation" is what seems to get their attention! The "media" would have us believe it's all about looks: I was freakin' BORN 5'10" and a size 10 minimum but it NEVER stopped me from getting anyone I wanted. :) You have NOTHING to worry about in that department.Okay.Could write a book...need you to start "looking in darker corners and KNOW that you are worth the best so hang in there and it WILL happen Hon!!!Fantasy Camp indeed...start your own girl!!!
Dont worry about it,youve been single for about 5 mins ,your single statius is most likely not common knowledge yet,they will all come a crawlin soon.Funny with a job you will easily get no problem.thats some great advice you just got from mjsred,whoops how do I work this dvd player,men love to help sneeky move.Are any of the smashbox boys single how perfect would they be for you and bonus lifetime supply of makeup or mabye a vet ,loves animals and well paid,should be plenty of them at animal benefits and sancturay's ,or take up sailing rich men galore.Im sure you will be beating them off with a stick soon,its always the way ,they all turn up at once,its either a feast or a famine.
PotionPrincess♥
I had the WORST day ever today. I have been crying all evening. When I finally got to check in with my fam (all of you) I see this magnificent post. Meg, you are such a smart, smart woman. Funny with a job sums it up so perfectly. Funny will see you through the best of times and more importantly the WORST of times. Funny helps us see that the morning after really is the best part. Funny is a natural high that can not be falsified, or forced.Funny makes it impossible not to laugh at yourself, dust yourself off and MOVE ON. Meg, do not ever settle for any less than your hearts desire. You ARE the majors, and I can't wait to be a part of whatever that means.Thank you for making me laugh. See your Funny helped me see the whole accidental dog bite of my party guest/simultaneous, major arguments with various members of my family seem a little less crappy. It has been one helluva day. I thank God for all of you and I WILL stop crying DAMN IT!
I moved out from my boyfriend in the early 90's and get my own place w/ my son. This friend of a friend wanted to take me out: His name's fred so I called him "drop dead fred" DDF "so, why don't I come over with a 6 pack and we can hang out at your place me: well, I will meet you at the Java but I don't really want to hang out w/ a six pack at my house, I don't know you that well (and between not wanting him to try and sex me up and thinking a 6 pack and Fred sounds like the biggest bore ever) he kept pushing to come to my house and I kept pushing for that NOT to happen. I won. We meet up at the Java and go inside, he asked me "what do you want"? I said "I'd like a mocha" DDF said "3.25!!! I don't have that kind of money!!!" I wanted to pass out!! HE said "I have a dollar you can have to get something if you want". I said "no thats ok" I was a starving student, putting myself through school, it wasn't easy. DDF said "They have a free happy hour at El Torito and dollar beer, I can take you there sometime" I kept thinking of him saying "I don't have that kind money" over $3.25, I was so embarassed I just wanted him to disappear.
Oh meg that's just hilarious. But fear not - you are in good company. Some friend of a friend sets me up to go on a blind date recently. I hitch up the wonderbra (until I can afford me some saline), slap on the make-up, and my team tell me I look drop dead gorge. I go to meet 'the date' - and there he is at the appointed place and time WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Not his sister, not his friend, not his cousin from out of town, not someone he struck up a conversation with while waiting for me.....er double date? Did he think his chances were better with 2 options...am I living in a parallel universe?????Well, my dogs were very happy to have me home early......
Rie
Slept on this...you're in trouble now,LOLROF!Get out of LA when ever you can...seriously. I have spent time there and as "fun" as it can be,it's also a soul-sucking place of superficiality and competition and honestly,the biggest freakshow on earth,HAHAHA! I cannot imagine meeting anyone of "quality" there...even if they have cash,they probably also have issues.Drive to Half Moon Bay,Laguna Beach,Santa Barbara,the winecountry,whenever you can...go on the cheap,eat in delis and buy cheap wine but CHAT with everyone you meet,stroll around and get into the creative and beautiful atmospheres!!! I'm tellin' you: when you put yourself in a different "setting",it's amzing how much more interesting the people you meet (as well as yourself!) become!I'd say "go to the country" but this is as close as it gets "out there..." :)I traveled alone for years and met some amazing men...you just need a new perspective?
Vicci 13 he seemed like a real winner "oh with this 6 pack of beer you really are spoiling me"you were right to kick him to the kerb.One of my friends aunts were going out with the meanest man in town and one night we were amazed to see him coming up the drive with a big box of choclates.Well one hour later he had eaten them all himself and half a box of hers,he really earned his title.Cugo 123 god that was some chancer,drink over the head I think.My worst chat up line ever(look away now if your easily offended).This weirdo walks up to me and utters the immortal line"Im hung like a rino,down to my knees baby".Gross!and they say chivalry is dead.
PotionPrincess♥
Meg, I read this off my Blackberry while visiting my sister in Philadelphia. We sat at the kitchen table and literally howled with laughter. She said to me, "You are so lucky to know someone this smart and funny" and I have to agree. So, my dear, I can only urge you to follow the sage advice of another smart, funny woman, mjsred. Any and all of the options she lists are miles better than grazing at bars. I will also suggest hanging out in the fresh seafood departments of upscale food stores such as Whole Foods or Wegman's (or, I suppose, Ralph's, if it still exists in LA). Sidle up to a likely prospect who seems undecided about whether to buy or how to cook, say, escolar, and Bob's your uncle. Also try volunteering to man the control table (check-in) at a charity do -- great place to flirt, and often the single men who chat you up on the way in drift back again later in the event. And while bookstores are great and your expertise is a fine way in at the shellfish counter, standing in front of the HDMI cables in Best Buy or in front of any high-end electronic do-dad with a puzzled look on your puss can work wonders. The sight of a damsel in techo-distress these days often inspires the urge to protect and serve in the breasts of any would-be nerd. And some of them are darned cute and, possibly, rich. Even though I can set up whole entertainment systems solo I confess to having used this technique with great success. Other good hang-out spots include the displays for the latest iteration of Blackberry or PDA. Just look lost or undecided and let the guys come to you. Go for it, Meg, just in a worthier kettle of fish.
Meg; I can so relate to all of this. This is my life at soon-to-be 55 and thinking about just giving up on the whole dating thing. Divorced because he 'just didn't want to be married anymore'. Now I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a 'wonderful' man - who a year ago told me he didn't see himself making a lifetime commitment (he has issues from his own divorce). Yes, I should have shown him the door then - stupid on my part. However he dangled that carrot, "not to say it won't happen...." ANYWAY out of the blue two months ago he tells me he's purchased a some land with a house and workshop on it an 90 minutes away from where we live (no, we don't live together thank heavens I'm smart enough for that). He'd never mentioned he was thinking of looking for a house, just bang - I BOUGHT A HOUSE. In the meantime, I had been thinking and looking at options for myself, realizing this was going nowhere fast. Also realizing my tolerance for winters has reached its limit and had come to the decision that I was ready for a change. I was going to mention it, discuss it with him that very day; nervous about it. Boy, what an idiot. My thoughts about it sure came to a finalization in a split second and I am pumped. I can hardly wait - I've never done anything like this, but I need a new beginning. I need a real man, not these insecure, game-playing types that have 'issues'. Life is too short. I am worth it. And so are you. Now, finding the quality ones is the question and quest. You're younger - you go for it and let me know how its done. Frankly, I'm just a little tired.
Here's my WORST date story ever. First off...my mother had set rules for me dating and I fully agree ALL girls should follow them. For at least the first three dates I had to drive my own car and not let him know where I lived yet, take my own money (in case he turned out to be a jerk and I need to pay my own way), limit the drinks to two, end the date by 10:00 and call her when it was over to be sure I was still alive and not dead in his basement. So putting the rules into place I drove my own car and went to meet Don at a Chinese Restaurant in a neighboring city. We sat down and he seemed perfectly nice at first. Then we ordered. He ordered an appetizer and THREE entrees. I thought for a second that that was for the both of us. I was a little off put because I thought it was rude that he would select the food without seeing what I liked. Then he turned to me and said "what would you like to order". I realized it was my turn. I ordered a combo plate with noodles. With the waitress STILL standing there he said "wow...I didn't think you would order SO much food". Then he reached across the table...pushed up the end of my nose with his finger and went "oink, oink, oink...how do little piggies eat!" OMFG seriously! Now I know its a joke from Christmas Story but are you SERIOUS! I gave him the "you have got to be kidding me" look, put my napkin on the table, left a $10 for my drink and walked right out. Thank god I had my own car there (thanks mom) because I had to split RIGHT away. What a nightmare. I hear he's still single 15 years later. There's a shocker.
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
First off, Meg, you need to just take some time out to enjoy just being you! Some of my happiest times happened in the years I was without a boyfriend! I think you shouldn’t worry right now about meeting anybody. You know how when you lose an earring or your favorite lipstick and you turn over every rock and look in every drawer and search day after day and can’t find the thing? You ask your friends if they have seen your missing item? You constantly tell everybody that you just need to find that missing thing in your life and then you’ll be alright again. Then some time down the line, there it is, effortlessly sitting in plain sight just waiting for you to happen upon it. I think the same sometimes is true for dating. You don’t need to date as soon as you break up with somebody. Take time to breathe! Some people can’t stand to be without someone in their life but taking the time to just be with yourself helps you to realize just what you are or are not missing and why you even want to date somebody else! For me it let me get to know the things I really like about myself and the parts of me that I enjoy the most! I actually have a lot of fun when I’m all by myself! Sometimes I wish I had a twin me to hang out with because we’d have a ball together and laugh every day like crazy! I am totally on board with the having someone to laugh with criteria! #1 for me! During my dating time which was a span on and off for over 20 years after I got a divorce (after 18 years of marriage) and I met some real gems. PotionPrincess’s story about the guy who so vividly described his merchandise to her as a pick up line was priceless! The creepazoid factor was off the charts! It’s true though, so many men think that their ‘junk’ functionality and size is our number one criteria for hooking up with a guy. Other suave males I have seen in the past on dating websites first and foremost start their ads off with “I can bench press etc.” etc. along with a nifty description of their physical form. I’d look at those descriptions and think… “Goodie for you buddy!” Don't you love it when they say "I'm easy to look at." Oh I'll just bet - every mirror in their house probably has told them that!
Anyway, one particular guy I met ‘on line’ years ago had an entire paragraph on just what a hunk of man he was. We talked on the phone and he just couldn’t stop telling me how extraordinary he was and how many women used him as sort of a gigolo – he was THAT hot! My eyes were rolled back and lodged behind my head just listening to him but I was (at the time) also incredibly curious about just how handsome this guy must be if he’s ‘all that’! So I agreed to meet him at a coffee shop. I arrived first and sat somewhat hidden in a secluded little table. After about 15 minutes, the shop door opened up and this greased up, out of shape, arrogant slice of self importance saunters into the coffee shop, looks around, leans back on the counter with his back to the coffee shop personnel, hitched up his pants and in a loud over-bearing voice says “WHAT’S EVERYBODY HAVIN’?” Of course everybody in the place turned around and the looks on all their faces said “Jerk!” I shrunk down in my chair praying he wouldn’t recognize me from my photo but he did. Everybody watched this abnoxious loud talker come over to my table and I wanted to get as small as possible. I was out of there in under 5 minutes and asked myself all the way home why I even bothered to meet him. Lying at home face down on the floor waiting for a new day to start was far better than hooking up with something like this guy! I found with my current husband that I had to let go of all the criteria I have had for YEARS in what I thought was the perfect dream man for me and I finally opened up to something totally different which has been the best thing that ever happened to me.
Jeanasina!http://jhasleftthebuilding.blogspot.com/
Oh what the heck, I’m going to tell my ‘cute boy’ story too! Back in the day, just after covered wagons, when I was a young thing in high school, still just learning about the whole dating thing, I had a boy adventure I will never forget. I went to a party at a boys house, and it was this really cute boy who was having the party and I had my sights on him for some time. I was thrilled to be invited to his party (a first for me) and when I got there the cute boy having the party came right up to me and asked me what I wanted to drink. I was elated that he was apparently actually interested in me! In the time it took him to go to the opposite end of his house to get me something to drink, an even cuter and badder boy came to the party. Within moments the bad cute boy asked me if I wanted to leave with him and go someplace, well of course I did – no problem! Remember this was a long long time ago..and when you are young you don’t have very good criteria about sizing a guy up or caring as long as he’s cute, you know? So I left the party with this bad cute boy who was already really drunk. He said he would walk me all the way home (I was about a mile away from this party). Well he took my hand and he weaved and sashayed all the way to my house because, as I said, he was really intoxicated. But remember, he was BAD & CUTE! Well we got to my house and at my house there was first a door that opened up and then there were clothes on either side of you like a coat closet, and then you’d open another door and be inside the house. Well, I unlocked and opened that first door and he came in with me and just before he was about to kiss me in this little space between the two doors, he puked all over my shoes and inside this tiny area. Well, I freaked out and told him to go and then I knew I would be in big trouble with my dad, and I couldn’t go into the house to get anything to clean it up or my dad would hear me, so without a second thought, I grabbed my dad’s raincoat and used IT to mop up the spewed debris and while gagging profusely. I took the sodden coat and RAN into to the backyard and put it in the burning barrel (back then you could burn your trash) and lit that thing on fire and then ran into the house. I cleaned up best I could and went to bed and prayed. The next day my dad looked out the back window and said “What’s smoking in our fire barrel?” I am sure I paled visibly and said “I don’t know.” He didn’t go and check and for years he never even knew what happened because – ready for this? He had TWO raincoats and I just happened to pick the one he never wore. Did I see the cute, bad boy again after that? Of course I did! I dated him on and off for months until our dating relationship ran its course. Years later I ended up marrying the cute boy who had the party I went to that never got to give me something to drink. That was probably the WORST first date I ever had but not that last. If we were to make lists of the first good dates we went on and the bad, I wonder which list would be bigger!
Jeanasina!http://jhasleftthebuilding.blogspot.com/
I agree that sometimes letting go of criteria can open you up to some wonderful things too. My husband for one. He was NOT my type when I met him. In fact I rebuffed him for over a month. He persisted and I relented. There's a reason they call him "Franko Getz" because what Franko wants...Franko gets. Anyway, I let down my walls and checklists for him and I'm SO glad I did. He's simply the most amazing man I have ever known and now...TOTALLY my type! Its funny how love makes you look at someone differently. Because at 8 years together I am boundlessly attracted to him and think he's SO sexy! I see the world in his huge loving eyes. So, that said...yes relaxing your criteria can be helpful but DO NOT EVER settle. I cannot stress this enough. Especially to you young girls out there. Respect yourself, love yourself and wait for that person that completes you. Nothing makes me sadder than when I see a young girl settling for less than she deserves just to get a ring on her finger and the chance to wear Vera Wang. Because after the wedding there's a little thing called a marriage...and that's not as pretty as the fairy tales tell you. It takes a partner in life and in your heart to keep a marriage on track so please don't settle. You are worth far more than you could ever know. Find someone else who knows it too! Love to all!
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
Ah jeanasina and sweetass girl such nice endings,suppose all the former frog kissing was worth it.Jeanasina Id probably pick the bad cute one too.Ah well I hear brads free again,seriously anyone going to look sane after angie.
PotionPrincess♥
HILARIOUS post! and sweetassgal, those are good rules that your mom gave you. I'm going to have to remember those!!
♥ Lipgloss and Spandex: a blog for gals who look good and run fast
LOL!!!
www.JenniferSuarez.com
LMAO, wow what a loser!!!...and eww to the age lol...Im sorry to hear about your crazy yet, weird and funny date...
KimBo
617
HAHAHA! I love creeper men...welll actually I don't but I love hearing stories about them :PI know I have definitely encountered a few in my lifetime, but can't recall any specifics at the moment :/ If and when I do, I will definitely post it!
♥http://twitter.com/polishmakeup
♥http://polishmakeup.blogspot.com
there is light at the end of the tunnel girls and im afraid its true:stop looking and he'll find you....this was my experience, after wasting half my twentys on a good for nothing sweet talking bum (i could use some more decorative words though) i finally broke free of him..this actually involved rearranging my whole life losing some friends we had in common and moving to a new town). i spent the next 2 years playing (very badly) the dating game and boy is it scary out there!!! they lie about their age their jobs everything...1 guy told me he was a manager of a bookies what he forgot to mention was his brother owned it and he was the only person working there so basically he was managing himself o and badly at that as his own flesh and blood fired him for bein consistently late> i had just given up hope when one evening a guy came to view a room in the house i was sharing and to make a long story short the rest is history!!!
ROTFL! I know people like that. Seriously, do we have moron plastered on our foreheads or something!? I can't believe he pulled that out. That is so...what's the word....LAUGHABLE! He is a lamebrain...get yourself a REAL Philly! Fantasy Camp...that crack's me up. You don't even know! HaHa
A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.
-Coco Chanel
I started writing a book a few years ago about my many years of dating. It's titled: "Where's My French Fry?" All my stories are true and most are pretty crazy. So here's a sneak peak of my book and one date story. It's my favorite.I have been dating since I was 15 years old. My BIG "4-0" is just around the corner in October & I'm stilllll dating. Yes, I would like some cheese with that wine. I haven't married yet, but I've been purposed to a few times. I don't want any children so I don't care if my biological clock stops ticking tomorrow. If I could find the batteries I'd take them out myself. My book is all about my dating days. Long-term relationships, short-term, first dates, blind dates, double dates, we're in love & lost my virginity date, penis stuck in zipper date, wish you were dead dates, I'm climbing out the window date, I forgot I was on a date, breaking dates, no show dates, family fixing me up dates, dating a State Senator, dating Mayor candidates, he's a wacko dates, finding out we're related dates, she's a lesbian & I didn't know this was a date, Middle Eastern dates, church dates, he tossed his cookies date, internet dating, just shoot me now dates, short man syndrome dates, why am I here dates, dates with a rock-a-billy, he thinks Elvis is his Daddy date, vegetable dating, dating the devil, he's in jail date, dating a drug dealer, he murdered the Waffle House waitress, stalked by dixie mafia member, dating alcoholics, dating con-artist, later finding out he is in the Ku Klux Klan dates, married men with children who forgot they were married with children dates, cheese-oids, dates with guys under 21, guys who need anger management, men in the closet dates, bushy brow dates, zero hair all over dates, male stripper dating, he lives in his car date, dating the mattress guy, my Daddy had to bribe me to go on nerd date, dates with older men, dates with much younger men, (just call me a cougar or maybe a cab) & a whole lot more about dating in general. I don't plan to go in any order when telling you about a past relationship or just a date. My memory isn't quite that organized. When someone comes to mind I'll just fly down the keyboard. I have plenty of stories to tell & yes they are all true. I will not refer to any of the male species by their real name. Instead, I will give them names that remind me of them. Such as the story I will tell in this first chapter. I will call him "Kinda Built"."Kinda Built"It was the very first time I ever tried internet dating. I had been living in Dallas for one year. I've always been shy around straight men unless I have a few jacks first. "Jacks" as in Jack Daniels not three men named "Jack". Just wanted to clarify that for those who may be Southern Baptist. Anyway, I posted an ad on oneandonly.com, which at the time was the one and only Internet dating service. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. There should really be a class called "Internet Dating 101" for the naive. I wouldn't need it now because I'm a pro at online dating, but it sure would have come in handy back then. Ladies if you too would like to be promoted to "pro at online dating" it's really quite simple. All it takes is four little words and those words are "JUST QUIT DOING IT"!!!Back to my date "Kinda Built", for those of you who aren't familiar I never use the real names of men I have dated. I only use two words that remind me of them. So "Kinda" is his first name & "Built" is his last name. Ok, I get this email from a guy in Arkansas and it was so sweet, complimentary & his profile sounded great. There was no picture of him posted, but he described himself as attractive with dark brown hair & kinda built. He told me he had a home gym so one could only assume he worked out. After all, why bother telling me you have a home gym if you don't use it. We talked for a while and he asked me if he flew in town on his private plane could he take me to dinner. So I agreed & I met him at the Mansion Hotel where he was staying. Remember I have never seen this guy. I only know he is "kinda built" with dark brown hair and supposedly attractive. "Kinda Built" told me to ask the concierge to take me to him in the bar where he would be waiting. As she is leading me through the bar I'm looking around at the different men thinking to myself this is like being at the Humane Society. First I see a huge, obese, mastiff & pray that is not him. Thankfully she passes him and then I see a sad & lonely old basset hound, that's not him either. Next there is a debonair greyhound, but he is with a fru-fru blond poodle. I saw a shaved cat order a dry martini, a bichon with Christmas lights in her hair. Then there were the two male pomeranians celebrating their one year anniversary. I love pomeranians they are so fun to shop with. I was beginning to wonder who I was going to end up adopting for the night. Suddenly, my nightmare begins when the mastiff signals the concierge over to him. Yes, lucky me has finally found her online date. My immediate thought was "What the hell is he thinking? He's NOT "Kinda Built", he's "A BUILDING" & I don't mean a skyscraper he is the freaking "Super Dome"!!! Now I'm going to jump ahead to mid dinner when he begins to tell me his father is the Sheriff of a town someplace in Arkansas. "Super Dome" (name change required) is the Deputy. He proceeds to tell me that he and his father didn't think a criminal was going to get enough punishment for the crime he committed, so they decided to take justice into their own hands. They went to the criminals house the night before his sentencing & hog-tied him & then castrated him. Yes! I said castrated him, not only did they castrate him they also brought a jar of formaldehyde with them so they could keep his testicles on a shelf in their office. Thank God for Jack Daniels! I was speechless. I mean how does someone reply to something like that? Am I suppose to say "Wow that really took a lot of balls to do that". Instead, I just said, "really" (in a that's interesting & you are a wacko kind of way) & then I excused myself and went to the restroom. I thought about calling in a bomb threat to the Mansion Restaurant so my nightmare could end asap, but the horizontal stripes you have to wear in prison are not figure flattering. I opted to go back out there & have a double jack on the rocks. Eventually the date came to an end. He walked me to my car and I jumped in as fast as I could so he wouldn't try to hug or kiss me goodbye. Then he asked me to roll down the window & he reached in to kiss me, BUT I had to turn my head. I NEVER kiss anyone I don't want to kiss. I've turned my head away many, many, times. (Tip for avoiding a kiss - pretend you dropped something & didn't even notice he was trying to kiss you. That makes him feel less embarrassed for attempting to kiss you. Trust me it works.)After all, who wants to kiss a guy that has a jar of human testicles in his office displayed like a knick-knack? Who I ask? Not this chick. The lesson we learn from this story is never, never, never trust how someone describes their self, always do a criminal record check before the date & politely ask if they have a jar of formaldehyde in their office.THE ENDI have a follow-up to this story that I found out very recently. I'll post the link in a few days.
"I swim outside the fish bowl" Quote by Me
Oh holy jesus the male species can be deluded sometimes.I once got a to my girlfriend christmas card in the post(first of all I wasnt going out with anyone at the time,secondly if your going to be a freak surely valentines is the day for you guy)This is what it said inside I notice you but you dont notice me.AnywayI was out the week after and a creepy guy introduces himself by reciting my name and address(mystery solved)needless to say ran as fast as I could.
PotionPrincess♥
omg!! That was tooooo funny!! Bless your heart!! I have many horror stories, I went through alot of bad dates until I met my hubby!! :)
OMG. I am in fits of laughter over here after reading this and all the comments!! I guess everyone has to go through stuff like this to find 'the one' who's great enough to settle down with. :P
These stories are so funny I'm laughing so hard my eyes are watering. Jeanasina is so right about the dating issue of space and time to breathe when immediately out of a lousy relationship, date, whatever. Very true and have done it many times not feeling as if I missed out. Men can be a pain at times. Their continual quest for arm candy and they don't even look close to it themselves, of course makes this a double standard and very hard for women to keep up with societies standards. It's very annoying but it's been this way for, let's see, centuries!! Red Velvet, you will have a smash book because what I read was hilarious! Haven't we all had those nightmares? I look back at my who's who list of (excuse the french) .. crap and wonder, what was I thinking? I've had dates that could make a really great horror movie. Probably surpassing "The Exorcist". I needed one a few times with some of the losers I dated. This is when you think, seriously why did I even bother to stay out one hour with this jerk? That was one hour of my life I could have spent washing my hair. This can tend to make you very picky. You start to eliminate dating material and begin making check marks next to all the inane conversations, the very bad personality with no sense of humor, (a must in my world), and you just want to excuse yourself to the ladies room and throw up. No fire, no chemistry, zip. The worst is when you have friends that try to fix you up. This is what really amazes me, they are your friends, you have discussed in depth what you are looking for in a man, etc. You get this phone call from your friend, in my case it was a friend of mine whose wedding I was in. She found an incredible guy and I wondered, why, why can't I find someone like him? She in turn states to me, I have this guy I want you to meet at the wedding, he's the photographer. She described him as owning his own business, French, very intelligent, good looking, you name it. She projected this huge picture that made me think I was going to meet this really great guy. My was I disappointed when I met him. First of all, when she said French, she was not kidding. I could barely understand what he was saying in that thick French accent. I don't know how she could even understand what he was saying when we all began posing for the wedding photos. I just went with the flow. This is when you wish you had taken a French lesson somewhere down the road. Later during the reception, he came up to the table with this very thick French accent and began to ask me about the French Revolution, have I ever been to France to see Palace of Versailles, etc.. get the picture. I looked at him blank for a moment, wondering if he were just trying to get to know me or if he was trying to give me a pop history quiz. He said "Do you not know your history, this is when Marie Antoinette stated, Let them eat cake!!" immediately I got up and went up to the bar and asked them for a bottle of champagne, yes, a bottle, and yes, I did drink it and avoided that loser for the rest of the evening. Later I asked my friend what on earth made her think I would be interested in a pompous jerk like that, who of course I could barely understand. She couldn't even answer that. I also advised her next time she wants to set me up with someone who wants to give me a pop history quiz and yell at me, please DO NOT!! Let's face it, when you're a bridesmaid, the dress is always hidious! Why make the so-called fabulous guy you wanted to fix your friend up with the same, hence the bottle of champagne. I had to forget the night somehow. There are many more. But I'm sure you all understand.
ooh, this has happeneded to me! I was in england, just shopping around. All of sudden, some guy starts singing to himself. Out of curiosity, i turn around, give a tight smile, and continue on. he followed me to the next store! he kept trying to ask my name- if i have a boyfriend (i lied, and said yes). Creeps... ugh.
HAHAH awesome post!!!
great post
I went out on a double date w/ this guy I'd met before. I knew he was in college, and i Had just graduated, but didn't realize how much younger until we all went to a bar, and he had to use a fake id to get in. He was 19. They also wouldn't take us home b/c the bar was close to where they lived, so my friend and I took a $50 cab home. Awesome.
Ahh, men.............gotta love em
I've never dated much, so I don't have a lot of funny stories. A friend of mine has a good story - we went to a party at the Roosevelt, she got picked up by a younger guy. My friend is in her late 40s, we assumed the guy was a little bit younger than me. He played college ball so we googled him, and he was 23. My friend was kind of mortified, but he was hot!
Poor Meg!!! I've crossed some toads too and embarassing semi-dates but I'll survive and find me a good one!
amazing article meg
didi